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Friday, 28 October 2011

Despair

I'm not dead, yet the flies are here. Ready to scavenge on what's left of me on earth. I can't move no more, not that i tried. all i do is wait. wait for the heart to stop. I don't care if there's a descend after this life's gone. i just wish it all to end soon. all these wasted breathes hard to witness. Pointless to consume spaces that doesn't need me nor you. Life, as we called it, is a cruel joke. A small glimpse of colors and the slow dead dawns. We all watched by as that color faded. Desperation to hold on is just another waste. Of all the millions born and died today, you're just another faceless life who won't be remembered by. No special power, no special you. You're just like me already in the death's loop. And as little things in life started to make sense, i close my eyes and hold on to what's real. And what's real is we're all dead. There's no escape, we're all trapped..

Saturday, 15 October 2011

Goodbyes Sucks!

The day before yesterday my small sis (though she’s annoyingly taller than me) came back from work with a running mascara. No, she didn’t get dumped. She was crying her eyes out because it was her last day at work. It was sweet goodbye tears for letting go of sweet time spend. And there i was sitting at the bed with a mouthful of her goodbye chocolate gifts, listening to her with a strong feeling of Deja Vu ’coz sista, this have all happened before. She sobbed when she left school, she sobbed when she left college, etc etc.. you get the drift right? I tried to feel sympathetic but all i could think of was why don’t I cry at my goodbyes? Does that make me a less loved person? You see, when i left college (twice) and when i left Assam or even when i leave from Bangalore, the top thing running in my mind was “Good Riddance!”  i always run away before any proper farewells. I hate the emotions doing their rounds at goodbyes. And i know i won’t be sad one bit if i leave ma job today. Tsk tsk..sad facts.. Then i had to slap myself and remind myself how lovable i am and how much i was missed and how sad everyone was each time we had to part (or at least they convinced me that they were sad, i’ll never know for sure) . Lame thoughts!

The only time i remember crying was that unforgettable embarrassing highly depressing moment at the airport when i first leave my home for college. I was red at eyes and nose, sobbing uncontrollably in front of many staring eyes while saying goodbyes to my family. Maybe i cried for all goodbyes that day. that must be it, right? After all there’s no point in crying coz I always keep in touch with my close friends, no matter what. And I’ve now understood that nothing last forever. For better or worse, life goes on and we can’t stop time. All we can hope is to have some adventure along the way and create unique memories as trophies.

As for the little tall sister, she always sucks at goodbyes in her own way. No kidding, i now remember that it was in her gene since early childhood. When i was at 1st std and she was at kindergarten, i always took her with me during our lunch break at school. And whenever the recess got over and the bell rang, she used to hold on to me crying and begging not to go away. This happened almost everyday! Imagine the horror i had to endure. I often ended up crying and running my way back to class after convincing her we’ll meet again soon. Com’on i was a tiny winy kid at that time and i had to put up that kind of shit! Maybe that’s why i’m so F up now. I mean, almost all mental problems in adults are now traced back to childhood trauma. Hmmm.. i’ll kick that wretch a couple of time tonight while she’s sleeping( coz she’ll win in a brawl any day if she’s awake)

Okay i should stop writing now since this post dived into my past where i shed tears. I don’t do tears. Believe me, crying is not my style. In fact i haven’t cried in years.. not counting the secret tears after watching a romantic movie. Here i go again, more tears. Time out.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Assam

A year and a little more, with lots of amazing memories, I’m gonna bade Adieu to Assam. Goodbye green place, I’ll miss thee. People are like trees you know, the longer you stay at a place the deeper your root sinks. You get used to people around(love or hate doesn’t matter), you get used to the custom(even if it sucks). You know where to get what you want(like pork momo). You know what you don’t want too(fish stench). In short, it became a safe place where you feel secure at night. So right now i’m neither happy nor sad that i’m leaving. I’m just numb i guess. Maybe a little glad that i’ll be starting a new chapter, maybe a little scared at what horror i might find.

  As for Assam, i wish i could have seen more. It is a slow peaceful place with too few violence. And Dibrugarh is like the gentle uncle who always smile. I’ll miss the sparkling clear ground water here. It taste so good and made my hair so damn silky. The tea gardens are all so beautiful. A perfect place for meditation. The people here chew pan all day long and do their daily chore slowly as if they have all the time in the world. Entertainment comes in the name of Puja. Every single Pujas are celebrated very grandly here. Sometimes i wonder how many puja there can be in a year? coz i seem to be called to eat every month. Durga puja is just a few days from now and the discounts/sales have soared up feeding the shopaholic urges. Everyone with a new cloth. Last year i saw a titanic bhandal as well as an Egyptian one. It’s interesting how they make funny designs to keep their God and Goddess. Creative design they must be calling it.

The cost of living here is so low that you can save up a huge sum even with a midget salary. Not me though of course, i’m a spendthrift by birth. Don’t judge!  So itz a place of simple people and simple dreams. Sometimes i wish i could be more like the girls in my PG. They don’t want much and seem to be contended with what they’ve got. They dream of marriage and beautiful kids. The only worry i find with them is when their guy scolded them for something and they cry. Happiness is a treasure. Even if you’re a caveman and live a happy contended life, then i say that’s a life well spend. And i think it’s safe to say that Assam is a happy place.


And that’s me being nice. The truth is I was bored to dead by the 3rd month i stayed here. I can do without the ground water which obviously comes from the hand pump that i pumped each and every day. Now that I think of it, i might have grown a muscle or two thanks to that exercise!  I slept with mice scurrying everywhere and my dreams contain me terminating them in matrix outfits. Almost half of my time spend here is by day dreaming which often involves drooling heavily remembering some fatty food far out of reach.  Most of the time i don’t bother to do anything which was good in some ways since the girls think i’m a calm understanding person who doesn’t backbite like the others. “ A good listener” they must be thinking but i didn’t hear half of what they said. The warden sings praises too forgetting easily the small complains i made. My colleagues have different opinions of me, i don’t want to get into the details here. All in all, i’m relieved that this part of my life is over. Even though it was one of the most easiest and impulsive part of my life and i did some crazy things and learned a lot from them, Hallelujah I’ll be gone in 3 days!